I found myself in a baby store today, a darling one so sweetly decorated. I unintentionally wandered down an aisle, a possibility I should have considered happening prior to entering the store. As I fondled a crocheted baby bonnet with a beautiful green flower, I realized in a panic that I didn't belong here, that this was a place I needed to run away from, and FAST! As I literally dropped the bonnet half-caress and quickly re-traced my steps back to the safety of my car, I pondered this sudden feeling in my chest. Is that panic? Is it heartburn?
For years, I have been successful at steering far away from baby paraphernalia, very successful. I don't even give cute tiny dresses a second glance. I am stoic. If I make it to a baby shower, after the self-pep talk in the car ride there, complete with waterproof mascara, I bring the mother some bath and body gift, for HER. Nope, I never buy baby things, so don't invite me to your shower if you want a rattle or a onesie. Self-denial, reppression, these are a few of my faaavorite things! As I found myself beating a quick retreat from the soft coos of the hand-made fleece burp towels today, I had to face the feelings, and the realization that they were still there, despite denying their existence for so very long.
What is nesting? How can I possibly find that instinct that nature tells me I was born with? Can it have survived all these years? How can I overcome the fear of that tiny little pastel wash cloth? How do I convince myself that it will happen? That I may very well have a baby in my arms in under 2 months time? Will I be in denial up to the very moment it happens? Then what will I have done to myself? I am terrified to plan, terrified it will all be for naught, that SOMEHOW the universe will find a way to deny me once again from my God-given birthright. And despite all of my work to circumvent this evil joke, there will still be a void.
At the end of the day, after the panic slowly released its grip on my chest, I discovered something very different in it's wake. Small though it was, it was there. Is that just a tinge of excitement? Are you starting to plan? To visualize? Can you really do this, oh broken heart of mine? I hope you can.
First, do not worry. Not all women are born with the emotions or dedication enough to be mothers. You were though, so you are trying to find a place to direct them. And nesting doesn't happen for everyone either. The maternal instinct that all women are supposed to be born with, isn't really something that all women are born with. Unfortunately there are plenty of people that do have children, that have no maternal instinct. I know that you can do this, and so can your broken heart. Don't repress; Express! I am always here to listen and share with you.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, all you need to have to be a good mom is lots of love. So I think you're fine.
ReplyDeleteWhen you have this baby in your arms in a couple of months, don't worry if things don't come "naturally" to you. Don't blame it on not birthing this baby. I've experienced a wide range of emotions with all of mine. I was SO clueless with my first, terrified that they had sent me home with this tiny little baby and I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I've made so many mistakes.
With my second, I was completely overwhelmed having a one-year-old (almost 2) and it took me awhile to feel attached to him (I don't admit that to just anyone!) but he was colicky and again, I was so overwhelmed!
I thought I was a pro by the time Eli came. But he's a new baby with a new personality and totally different wants and needs than the other two.
My point is that each one has been a learning experience and I've experiences a whole gamut of emotions with all of them. I've had moments of total parenting fail (seriously, remind me to tell you the story of when I threw Austin into a wall - NOT on purpose!) and moments of complete and utter joy. Mostly joy.
As for things you need, diapers, bottles (you may want to try a few different brands of formula - my babies have all needed different kinds. Some have caused constipation, others caused gassiness), I love our swing. It has helped the baby sleep well. Will the baby be a newborn? That might change my answers some if s/he's not. If the baby is a boy, when you change his diaper, point the penis DOWN. Otherwise, the pee will shoot out the top of the diaper!
Here's a good website: http://community.babycenter.com/
It's a ton of parenting boards, you can join foster/adopting boards and birth boards (I'm on the December 11 board and converse with other parents whose kids are my kid's age), it's a huge forum of parents like you where you can ask questions and get advice and read about other people's experiences.
OK, that's long-winded enough. I'm excited for you!