I found myself in a baby store today, a darling one so sweetly decorated. I unintentionally wandered down an aisle, a possibility I should have considered happening prior to entering the store. As I fondled a crocheted baby bonnet with a beautiful green flower, I realized in a panic that I didn't belong here, that this was a place I needed to run away from, and FAST! As I literally dropped the bonnet half-caress and quickly re-traced my steps back to the safety of my car, I pondered this sudden feeling in my chest. Is that panic? Is it heartburn?
For years, I have been successful at steering far away from baby paraphernalia, very successful. I don't even give cute tiny dresses a second glance. I am stoic. If I make it to a baby shower, after the self-pep talk in the car ride there, complete with waterproof mascara, I bring the mother some bath and body gift, for HER. Nope, I never buy baby things, so don't invite me to your shower if you want a rattle or a onesie. Self-denial, reppression, these are a few of my faaavorite things! As I found myself beating a quick retreat from the soft coos of the hand-made fleece burp towels today, I had to face the feelings, and the realization that they were still there, despite denying their existence for so very long.
What is nesting? How can I possibly find that instinct that nature tells me I was born with? Can it have survived all these years? How can I overcome the fear of that tiny little pastel wash cloth? How do I convince myself that it will happen? That I may very well have a baby in my arms in under 2 months time? Will I be in denial up to the very moment it happens? Then what will I have done to myself? I am terrified to plan, terrified it will all be for naught, that SOMEHOW the universe will find a way to deny me once again from my God-given birthright. And despite all of my work to circumvent this evil joke, there will still be a void.
At the end of the day, after the panic slowly released its grip on my chest, I discovered something very different in it's wake. Small though it was, it was there. Is that just a tinge of excitement? Are you starting to plan? To visualize? Can you really do this, oh broken heart of mine? I hope you can.
