Yesterday when I found out, and my mind was completely consumed with shattered hopes and plans for the future, I tried to opt out of my commitments for the day. I asked for a half day off work to spend with my husband, who left work right away in the morning, to no avail. Had to tough it out. Also tried to explain my emotional state to slide out of the Relief Society mid week activity I was teaching that night, got a "not possible, sorry." How could I have explained myself better? So people understand? Is it possible for anyone to understand?
I feel myself pulling away from women my age with children, there is now a discomfort there, like I was encroaching on their club, forging my membership card with this dream of being a foster mother. Now my bluff has been exposed and I'm left barren and childless, completely clueless and outside their life experiences. Did I mention Mother's Day is now in two days? Yep. This will be the worst Mother's Day to date. And as fate would have it, I am part of the presidency in charge of the Mother's Day Brunch we planned for Sunday, third hour of church. I could go, swallow all my feelings, be completely numb, and I could smile through the whole thing. Or somehow, someone will say something to break my shell, and I will melt into a ball of sobbing tears. I have decided not to go.
I don't want sympathy, answering questions is the LAST thing I want to do. I just want to be understood. I feel like I should let people know, but I don't know how, and I don't want to be swamped with questions. I don't even know what I do want. I just want it all to go away, I want to feel nothing.
